I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
