i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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