I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
She's the barista slut.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
