When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
