just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
