SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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