everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
