I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
