R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
