im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
