I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
