pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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