The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
