I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
