Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
sex in a hospital.. check
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
