My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
