If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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