I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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