When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
