apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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