At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
