Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
