The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
i think my cat just said my name.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
