I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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