So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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