Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
