I just threw up on my dentist
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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