Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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