I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
not ubering you a puppy
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
