guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
