Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
