Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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