Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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