Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
