I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
