ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
