we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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