Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
