so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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