u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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