The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
