i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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