WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
