Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
