1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
