when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
