sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Randomize
