i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
3 2 1 whiskey
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize