Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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