I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
i think my cat just said my name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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