apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Randomize
