I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
