K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
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Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
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I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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