we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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