So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
